Ten Commandments for the Chennai Motorist

Ah, here I am! After 2 years of doing nothing, I finally get time on a long weekend. Well, actually I had a boring long weekend, and I had nothing better to do, so I thought why not write about what most Chennai motorists religiously believe in (And I, for the irreverent person I am, do NOT believe in)? Its a legend that's passed down the generations and as with everything religious, its accepted on faith even by people who don't belong to this place (probably, just to gain social acceptance). The bold and numbered list and the disclaimer is a consequence of me being into writing software for too long.

DISCLAIMER: The author assumes no responsibility for the correctness (or lack of it) of the following Commandments, since he doesn't follow them and whatever written here is based on what he's heard from people who do. If you need more specific help I can give you credible references. Also, on a serious note, this is all just for fun!

Ten Commandments for the Chennai Motorist.

1. The reason why we have lane markers (for the uninitiated, the white lines on the road) is to add color to the otherwise mundane asphalt. They bear no other significance whatsoever. Above all you should ALWAYS make sure that the lines are right in the middle of your vehicle. Those driving the heavies should completely ignore it. You should forgive some idiot who forget to paint the line broken (a.k.a solid line) in some places and people who blaspheme that you should never cross if its not broken.

2. Red is the new Green. Also blinking yellow means SPEED UP!

3. This one and the next is for 2 wheeler driver's eyes only. Your fuel tanks are to be protected at all times by a helmet. If that's not physically possible, you should at least hang one above the exhaust. Once you've done this, you may be forgiven for sinning by wearing one over your head. Even if you do, NEVER lock it!

4. You should NEVER have a rear-view mirror. If you are a sinner and have one, make good of it by positioning it in such a way that you can see the pillion rider's face. You should never position it in a way that you are distracted by the vehicles behind you.

5. Your horns are magically hardwired to the accelerator of the vehicle in front of you. If you feel that the person in front of you is going slow, honk as if your life depends on it. If you own a bigger vehicle than the one in front, try giving it a little bump. For all you know, the driver might've fallen asleep or would've forgotten to stick to Commandment No.2!

6. 110 db horns are for sissies. You SHOULD spend as much as possible to get the best that money can buy (the more annoying the better!). Also, you might see signs with a crossed horn at some places. It means that 100 meters within the range of that board you cannot use anything below 110 db (makes more sense now to have a louder one, right?). If you refuse to stick to this, you might lose out on Commandment No.5 at places with that sign, making you a double sinner.

7. Life's a race. And that includes driving too!

8. Always drive on high beam. Better, drive with no lights on! That way you can surprise the oncoming vehicles and have the thrill of your life. And if both of you are religious enough, you might be lucky enough to give God an early visit.

9. Always follow the ambulance during heavy traffic (i.e. unless you sin and are in it). If you are in front of it, let it go before you and follow it. Use Commandment No.5 as needed.

10. This one is only for men and adventurous women. You should always make sure that you stare at any girl on the road, because as they say, you should discover the beauty that God has hidden in everything. If you are riding too fast and couldn't get enough, make sure you slow down, turn around and let her know that you noticed. Failure to comply ensures a sure place in hell!

11. There is a 11th commandment that is a bonus only to those who religiously follow the other 10. It goes like this :

No Entry signs come with secret instructions (visible only if you qualify)

"This is a One-way. But since you are so religious, you are welcome to drive here the way you like, and you should scream and mock the ones who cant see this and let them know what they're missing!"

Given my above stated irreverence, you might wonder how I know the 11th one. Well, I have friends who are quite religious and are bent upon making me one of them and try to entice me with this!

The good thing is, because of all this community praying, Chennai has a lot less traffic jams than most cities. Even though they are much more religious than Chennai, I guess they've gone overboard and completely ruined it. But the most amazing thing is, even in the Communist Democratic Republic (what an oxymoron!) of Kerala, where I grew up, people are becoming more and more religious! There used to be a time when people were showing off how distanced from religion they are. But since these commandments are so cool, I guess they've said enough to atheism.

Well, that's it! I'm sure I'm doomed to rot in hell, but hey, what fun in life if you don't challenge Authority ??

PS:

Most of the traffic cops in Chennai pretend to be religious but act otherwise at the first chance they get. They are very keen on giving a ticket to those who follow these, especially the 2nd one :(. Also they try to help people who are being irreverent by not giving them a ticket!

Cheerleders and Indian Culture

I missed it! I missed the cheerleaders.. And if politicians get their way, I'd have missed it forever. At least during another IPL.. What a sad thing! This is the biggest thing that has ever happened to Indian sproting history and I don't see why we are so worried about it! Man, this is 21st century.

I was about to write something on this when I came across this article by Tavleen Singh. She almost stole the words out of my mouth. So I better not get redundant!

And I don't get this talk about Indian Civilization. What we are talking about is 18th century victorian morality. The time when women were trained to become the best housemaids. The time when they were prevented from talking freely in public. Read Jane Austen, if you want more info.

India, as we see it now, never existed before British captured all the small states and put it together. If we are talking about vedic times, we need to rethink. Because as far as i know women were treated with more respect then than now.

The average Indian man right now expects women to dress conservatively, even at home. And he goes out and ogles at other women. Thats the reason why women cant still wear swimwear in any of our beaches, except maybe goa. That too is questionable. Why???.. why this hypocrisy??..

And what about the movies we have ? I better not get into it.. It irks me to no end that we still have very few good movies being made. All we have is skin show in the name of art !

And think about all the art forms we have. Dont they have a sexual undertone, albeit mild ? Ashtapadi, for eg. And they were never meant to be vulgar. I am not saying that cheerleading is in the same league. But just pointing out that its nothing new to our culture..

The first thing we gotta do is figure out what our culture exactly is. And there are much more pressing issues that have to be taken care of. Why dont the lawmakers spend their energy elsewhere. Like building infrastructure, maybe.

PS : I like the comment by Tavleen Singh about sarees. So very true!

My name is Harry.

For those few who are familiar with Michael Crichton's 'Sphere', the title would mean a lot.The rest might be wondering what have I gotta do with Harry Potter. Well, its harry potter frenzy time again. And each time this happens, I feel irritated. I ask, Why are people so crazy about it ? And I rarely find an answer other than something that's a bit unsettling.. I'll come to that in a minute. And don't mistake me for someone who hates everything that's Zeitgeist. I have no shame in admitting that the DaVinci Code was the most exciting book I've ever read, though its literary value is highly questionable. And yes, I was also drawn into this Harry Potter mania, when I was in college. Lemme expand on my very short tryst with the series.

I really don't remember when the first book was released. But I do remember the buzz that came after. And I remember all my friends getting excited about it. And at its peak, I couldn't talk with any of them without Dirty Harry [ ;) ] poking his nose into it. So I thought, what the hell, lemme read it too. And before I could finish the first ten pages I was back to my Forsyths and Crichtons. And yeah, out of conversation with my friends till the buzz died down.

The same thing happened every time a new installment came through. By the time I was in college, and something was becoming clear to me. Something I said I would mention later. And its this. Most of the people I knew, who read Harry, read it because their friends read it. Because half the world did it. And most of them didn't read it because they liked it. They did it because they don't fall out of the loop. Another sad thing I noticed that for most its not about really reading it. Its about who finishes it first and proves that he's better than the rest. Sad, but true. And that made me decide that I was not gonna fall for it. But all that changed over a lunch on Monday.

It was the Monday afternoon after Saturday when the final harry was released. And as expected the conversation over lunch was undoubtedly harry. And the three friends I go to lunch with are all Harry fans. So I was the odd one out. And I already had an impression in my mind about harry potter fans. So I finally proclaimed. "All this is just a gimmick. Its all about peer pressure". And then I noticed something that I didn't expect or haven't come across. Normally when I say this to Harry fans they usually accept it. But what I saw was that one of my friends was literally fuming. If I had let her, she would've happily strangled me. And I was surprised. Because unless she really likes it, its hard to take what I said as an insult. And then she told me. "Its something you would never understand. There's no point in explaining it to you. Its not for people with an average mentality". Phew!!! . I was insulted for sure.

And there was something else. It struck me that I might have been simply stubborn. So I decided that I might give it a try. And here I am, reading the Fifth book. They say its the grim one of the lot. I dunno. But I've reached page 74 and it still looks interesting. I will have another post, once (if) I finish it. And after that if I end up being a convert, she deserves an apology from me.

Where was I ? The comeback post

Its been a really long time since I blogged something. The reason, well, I've been busy. No not exactly, rather, I was plain lazy. Its been quite an interesting month. There were lots of things that got my attention.

First things first. I think I am turning into a grown-up. The reason? Politics have started to interest me. Blame it on TV and Indian Express. Blame it on Pratibha Patil (tai ?). Well, lot has been talked about her. So i dont want to be redundant. But yes, she's too bad a choice that people have started to sit up and take notice. She's been touted as the symbol of woman empowerment. Oh, Please, gimme a break! I can only feel sad that our country has to face this. An Italian pulling the strings of our Prime Minister and The President. What more can Rome ask for ?

But what really got my attention was what media did to Sunita Williams. They made her our "Crowning Glory"! Our Bahu in space!. I try to follow space shuttle missions as much as I can. Always. Not just this time. So i was pretty happy about the attention that it got. But that happiness was short lived. Soon they started to focus more on Sunita and less on the mission. To those who are reading this, one question. Does anyone know what was the shuttle's mission objective, other than bringing Sunita(Suni) back ? I guess you are still searching for the answer. Cant blame you. The media never gave it much coverage either.

Well there is nothing wrong in being proud of a person who is of Indian origin. But thinking that that achievement is an Indian one is ridiculous. And she has made her county proud. But that country happens to be the USA. Lets warm up to that fact.

A day of sirens and roadblocks

Yesterday was one the worst days i had faced after coming to Chennai. The mercury had hit one of the highest ever, peaking at around 42 deg. centigrade. And during my mid morning commute to office i took the heat in its full. This is when i feel jealous about people travelling by car, they at least have an option for an AC. But this is all something i got to accept. There is nothing anybody can do about this. But what I hated yesterday was the problems created by men, or shall I say, Leaders ?

Yesterday was our chief minister's 50th year in legislature. I must say, they sure have a flair for finding out reasons to celebrate. Well its up to them to celebrate whatever they want, i have no problems with that. But should that be at the cost of public comfort ? Should the taxpayer bear the brunt of all this ? Should he be writing cheques for the hundreds of extra security and police personnel deployed to provide a smooth passage for this so-called VIPs ? And believe me, i am not the only one who feels like this.

There were roadblocks in almost every major road the connects Chennai to its outskirts. The reason ? Well, our highly valuable, MLAs needed protection from the very own people they represent. We are all a potential security threat, u know. And i am forced to ask, do we really care ? Are these people so valuable to be afforded such protection ? Well if u ask me, there are only two people who deserve such protection. One, The President and Two, The Prime Minister. And if you are wondering, no, MadamJi doesn't deserve it. And that's the way it is in most of the Democratic (what a joke that has become here) countries. Sirens are reserved for The Head of the State, Police cars, Fire Trucks and Ambulances. Not for Tom, Dick and Harry, with a three or two letter word as their qualification (for the uninitiated, MLA and MP). And there were at least two Police escorts for each convoy i saw. And there were many of those convoys. What a waste of fuel, that too when the prices are soaring. But who cares, its taxpaying foolish junta's money, after all !

And if you are wondering what i was doing when i knew this was going to happen, i was helping a friend of mine catch a bus home. Thinking how many people like us would've been stranded like that is any body's guess. They put so many people to utter discomfort. Yet i don't see even a single newspaper reporting that. I don't know why media i so keen on taking sides. And i don't know why people have become so complacent. Why all i can do is simply blog. I don't know. We really have got to do some soul searching here.

BTW, my day ended on a bad and frustrating note. Its something personal to be described here, but nevertheless, it was due to some totally irresponsible behaviour from my best friend.

The world still has its heroes

Saw a movie last weekend with a friend of mine. "The Flags of Our Fathers" directed by Clint Eastwood. But before i start i gotta confess something. I am a big time Clint Eastwood fan. Be it Mystic River or The Million Dollar Baby, he is a director par excellence. It's hard to believe that this was the same gun-slinging guy that we saw in "The good,The Bad and The Ugly". He has a great way of making movies on sensitive subjects without much ado. This is just another example of that. But still i wont say this is his best . The movie becomes a bit preachy and redundant at times. I liked mystic river better. Nevertheless, its better than most movies that have come in recent times. Especially much better than the 300 and Apocalypto types ( I haven't seen those, thanks to The New York Times and Rotten Tomatoes). I know i shouldn't even be comparing these. They are like comparing apples and rotten cabbages.

"Flags of Our Fathers" is about a historic flag raising by six American soldiers that took place in IWO JIMA, a small dot on the Pacific. Only three survived The War. I am not going to write a review on the movie. You can find lots here.

This movie, though speaks about a battle in WWII that is less known, is not about war; its about the soldiers who survived it and carried the horrors of it throughout their lives. Its about what we consider as a heroic act and what the heroes consider those acts as. Its about how we (read government, in a democratic sense) exploit these.

The violence of war is portrayed in a subtle but highly effective way. There is blood and gore, but it lasts only for a few moments. Long enough to convey what it has to convey. Blood (CGI ones) doesn't have to be splattered all over the cam lens to be effective. I would say thats for retards. But if you are someone who gets a kick out of it, then steer clear of this movie. You are in for a big disappointment.

Another striking feature of the movie is the brilliant Cinematography and Editing. The battle scenes have a washed out look, much similar to Spielberg's Saving Private Ryan.

The movie ends with a question. Who are heroes ? Do heroes themselves feel that ? Most of the time, in the movie, we see that two of these three men are reluctant heroes. They consider themselves as deserters and opportunists than real heroes. Maybe heroism is just something we make up to feel that good people do exist. That there are times when people think above themselves.

The movie reminded me of someone, a real hero of our times. Liviu Librescu was an Israeli professor who was killed at the Virginia Tech shooting. But before he died he saved almost his entire class. The brave professor used his body as a shield, not letting the attacker get into his classroom. He held the door shut and braved bullets so that his students could get out of the window. Maybe all the atrocities and torture that he suffered in his life gave him the courage. Maybe he knew how precious life is.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13).”

I think the few tears i shed is not enough for his bravery. Yes we do need heroes and we need stories of heroism. At least for the sake of sanity.

On the East Coast Road to Mahabalipuram - Part One

The East Coast Road (ECR) , also called the scenic beachway, is a modern Expressway that connects Chennai to Pondichery. And scenic it is, you bet.

As always, we had been planning for this trip for long. "Planning" is the operative word. We had a hard time executing it. So after umpteen failed plans, we set out on that elusive journey on the 14th of April this year.

We had planned to start early in the morning at around 7. And if u are wondering, yeah 7AM is pretty early for us. But as luck would have it, it started pouring down. Can u believe ? Rain in Chennai? That too during summer ? Thankfully it stopped after a couple of hours. So again nothing went as planned ! Finally we started off at around 10 from Chennai. Six of us on four bikes. Three Apaches and one Pulsar.



That's Shyam, Me and Hitesh (clockwise) on our Apaches, just before we started off. The other Hitesh is the lensman.

About 15 minutes after we started, with the bustling traffic of Chennai far behind us, we hit the ECR. The ECR is a tolled highway, but thankfully not for two wheelers. And if you ask me thats the best way to enjoy the drive.

Let me digress here a bit and say something about what i feel. I am the kind of a person who likes the gush of wind blowing on your face when you are on a good drive at 80+ kmph. And ECR is one of the roads where you can do that, within the boundaries of safety. But please do wear a helmet, always. And since it isn't a divided highway, overtake with extreme caution. The buses don't give a damn about two wheelers. I might probably write my experiences with Chennai traffic sometime, in another post.

Back to the trip. Mahabalipuram or Mamallapuram is about 50 kms from chennai on the ECR. After a few kilometers on the ECR, you hit the tollgate. We stopped near Mayajaal, which is a Multiplex, to pick up one of Hitesh's friends. We also needed some breakfast, badly!

After having our fill of dosas (they were really good! Maybe because we were too hungry), we continued on our journey. By then, it had started to get really hot. We wanted to be in Mahabs as fast as we could. But no, ECR had more in store for us.

Well this post is becoming too long.. I think i'll write more about this in a later post.