Ten Commandments for the Chennai Motorist

Ah, here I am! After 2 years of doing nothing, I finally get time on a long weekend. Well, actually I had a boring long weekend, and I had nothing better to do, so I thought why not write about what most Chennai motorists religiously believe in (And I, for the irreverent person I am, do NOT believe in)? Its a legend that's passed down the generations and as with everything religious, its accepted on faith even by people who don't belong to this place (probably, just to gain social acceptance). The bold and numbered list and the disclaimer is a consequence of me being into writing software for too long.

DISCLAIMER: The author assumes no responsibility for the correctness (or lack of it) of the following Commandments, since he doesn't follow them and whatever written here is based on what he's heard from people who do. If you need more specific help I can give you credible references. Also, on a serious note, this is all just for fun!

Ten Commandments for the Chennai Motorist.

1. The reason why we have lane markers (for the uninitiated, the white lines on the road) is to add color to the otherwise mundane asphalt. They bear no other significance whatsoever. Above all you should ALWAYS make sure that the lines are right in the middle of your vehicle. Those driving the heavies should completely ignore it. You should forgive some idiot who forget to paint the line broken (a.k.a solid line) in some places and people who blaspheme that you should never cross if its not broken.

2. Red is the new Green. Also blinking yellow means SPEED UP!

3. This one and the next is for 2 wheeler driver's eyes only. Your fuel tanks are to be protected at all times by a helmet. If that's not physically possible, you should at least hang one above the exhaust. Once you've done this, you may be forgiven for sinning by wearing one over your head. Even if you do, NEVER lock it!

4. You should NEVER have a rear-view mirror. If you are a sinner and have one, make good of it by positioning it in such a way that you can see the pillion rider's face. You should never position it in a way that you are distracted by the vehicles behind you.

5. Your horns are magically hardwired to the accelerator of the vehicle in front of you. If you feel that the person in front of you is going slow, honk as if your life depends on it. If you own a bigger vehicle than the one in front, try giving it a little bump. For all you know, the driver might've fallen asleep or would've forgotten to stick to Commandment No.2!

6. 110 db horns are for sissies. You SHOULD spend as much as possible to get the best that money can buy (the more annoying the better!). Also, you might see signs with a crossed horn at some places. It means that 100 meters within the range of that board you cannot use anything below 110 db (makes more sense now to have a louder one, right?). If you refuse to stick to this, you might lose out on Commandment No.5 at places with that sign, making you a double sinner.

7. Life's a race. And that includes driving too!

8. Always drive on high beam. Better, drive with no lights on! That way you can surprise the oncoming vehicles and have the thrill of your life. And if both of you are religious enough, you might be lucky enough to give God an early visit.

9. Always follow the ambulance during heavy traffic (i.e. unless you sin and are in it). If you are in front of it, let it go before you and follow it. Use Commandment No.5 as needed.

10. This one is only for men and adventurous women. You should always make sure that you stare at any girl on the road, because as they say, you should discover the beauty that God has hidden in everything. If you are riding too fast and couldn't get enough, make sure you slow down, turn around and let her know that you noticed. Failure to comply ensures a sure place in hell!

11. There is a 11th commandment that is a bonus only to those who religiously follow the other 10. It goes like this :

No Entry signs come with secret instructions (visible only if you qualify)

"This is a One-way. But since you are so religious, you are welcome to drive here the way you like, and you should scream and mock the ones who cant see this and let them know what they're missing!"

Given my above stated irreverence, you might wonder how I know the 11th one. Well, I have friends who are quite religious and are bent upon making me one of them and try to entice me with this!

The good thing is, because of all this community praying, Chennai has a lot less traffic jams than most cities. Even though they are much more religious than Chennai, I guess they've gone overboard and completely ruined it. But the most amazing thing is, even in the Communist Democratic Republic (what an oxymoron!) of Kerala, where I grew up, people are becoming more and more religious! There used to be a time when people were showing off how distanced from religion they are. But since these commandments are so cool, I guess they've said enough to atheism.

Well, that's it! I'm sure I'm doomed to rot in hell, but hey, what fun in life if you don't challenge Authority ??

PS:

Most of the traffic cops in Chennai pretend to be religious but act otherwise at the first chance they get. They are very keen on giving a ticket to those who follow these, especially the 2nd one :(. Also they try to help people who are being irreverent by not giving them a ticket!